


Black Clouds

by edenlyte



Series: After the Storm Breaks [1]
Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Romance, Blackmail, Epistolary, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Letters, M/M, References to Canon, References to Depression, implied/referenced eating disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 7,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24462757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenlyte/pseuds/edenlyte
Summary: Dear Kaoru,No matter what happens at the end of this mess, just know that I love you. I know that I can't make it up to you, but I hope that by reading these letters, maybe then you'll understand why I kept you in the dark.Love,Hika
Relationships: Fujioka Haruhi/Suoh Tamaki, Hitachiin Hikaru & Original Character(s), Hitachiin Kaoru/Ootori Kyouya
Series: After the Storm Breaks [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766923
Comments: 49
Kudos: 32





	1. 17 August 2015

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Black Clouds! 
> 
> It's gonna be a wild ride, I've gotta be honest, so if you decide to stick it out... thank you. 
> 
> My plan is to update weekly.

Dear Kaoru,

It’s weird writing this to you when your bedroom is on the other side of this wall. I could go and wake you, but then, I’m not sure I want you to see what’s inside my head right now.

Do you remember when we first moved to separate rooms? D’you really think that Haruhi is the reason we changed so much?

Maybe she is. I was never really that sure.

I called her last night. Haruhi, that is. I was on the side of the road, I was drunk, and I just… called her. She told me to stay put while she called someone to pick me up. How did she know who to call? Did she call Kyouya-senpai and he sent someone?

I dunno. I don’t remember what the guy looked like. He had messy hair-- I think-- and tattoos on his hand. Maybe. I was pretty drunk. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember most of the drive. I remember a glimpse of the guy, and then it was morning.

Did you meet him? Did he ring the doorbell, wake you up, and hand me over to you? Maybe. For all I know, he did. Or maybe he just abandoned me on the porch and you took pity on me before you left for the airport. Maybe I just stumbled through the house. That’s probably what happened.

If I told you, I know you’d just sigh and tell me that I should drink less. You’d use the exasperated voice you learned from Dad, too, and that’d make the whole thing worse.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this to you. So you won’t fuss. 

Don’t worry, little brother. I might do some dumb shit, but I’ve gotten a bit better at pulling my head out of my ass.

Sometimes.

Holy shit, I’m philosophical when I’m hungover. I need a nap.

Love,  
Hika


	2. 19 August 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I have th guys number now. He said that I shud just call him insted of caling Haruhi and making her call him.

I dont know his name though. Or how he knows Haruhi.

Is it sad that even tho I could cal him next time Im drunk on the side of the road and need a ride―and lets face it thatll probably be soon is it pathetic that Ill probly still call Haruhi?

Im drunk of my ass. Good nite litle brother. Sleep well I guess. I hope I didnt wake you when I triped on the steps. You woodve come to check on me if youd woken up, tho. Maybe. Its hard to tell if you would even notice theese days.

I hope this girl’s worth it.

Love,  
Hika.


	3. 20 August 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I’m hungover and philosophical again. I apparently can’t spell when I’m drunk, either. That last letter was a disaster. Maybe I should burn it so that you’ll never see it.

I don’t think you’ll ever see any of these, though. Not unless you go through snooping through my stuff like you did during that one year of high school.

That year really sucked, man. First Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai went to college and it became a thousand times harder for the two of us to go to them for advice. We still did it, though. I should write them a thank-you for putting up with all of my shit that year. You confessed to Haruhi, and you forced me to realize that I like her, and then I confessed and got rejected. Boss moved to the main house and the host club closed for a while, and then we went to Boston and I was a jealous bitch about Haruhi and Boss being a couple. 

I never really thought about how hard that year must’ve been for you, too. Like, holy hell, Kao, you gave up on one crush in order to force me to pull my head out of my ass, and then you told me about the next one and I brushed you off. I shouldn’t have. I never really thought about how scared you must’ve been when you realized that you had a crush on Kyouya-senpai. At the time, I just kind of laughed and said that it was just like you to fall for someone so closed-off. You could be a bit of an open-book back then, or, at least, you were around me.

You always were the stronger of the two of us. You didn’t obsess over an unrequited crush for years. You moved on. You dated that girl third year, and a whole group of guys and girls during college. 

Maybe this is the one thing we’re polar opposites about. I’m too obsessed, and you don’t know how to be.

What are you so afraid of?

If I asked, would you tell me?

Love,  
Hika


	4. 26 August 2015

Dear Kaoru,

The driver guy’s name is Hiro. He’s half-Japanese, like Boss. That’s all he really said. He doesn’t talk much, but if I asked him a question, he’d answer. I should ask him how he knows Haruhi, although I probably won’t. I’m usually too shitfaced when I see him to think about much.

The tattoos on his hand are chains. I wonder if they hurt to get.

You met me at work this morning, not over the coffee machine in the kitchen. If you didn’t use a condom, I’m calling Gran to come give you her version of the sex talk again. It was mortifyingly embarrassing the first time, but it’d be hilarious to watch her give you a lecture on different types of sex toys again.

Love,  
Hika


	5. 8 September 2015

Dear Kaoru,

You were crying last night. You denied it, but you were.

I’d ask why it’s so hard for you to trust me, but then I realize that I’m sitting here writing letters to you instead of actually talking to you about the fact that I might still be in love with Haruhi but maybe I never actually was to begin with, maybe I was only in love with the idea of Haruhi and I need another drink or two or three or ten.

Was whatsherface just looking for sex? Or were you just looking for sex and she wanted more? I hope you’re okay. I know I never say it, but I’m worried about you, Kao. I worried about you during college and I never stopped. If you relapsed, would you tell me? Or would you hide it, again, until we had a repeat of college?

I’m scared. I drink too much and I make you worry and I’ll probably wind up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning at some point in the next year or two or three but God, Kao, I’m so scared. I’m scared that the only thing I could say that I knew for sure during college wasn’t actually real, I’m scared that you’re pulling away from me just like you did then, I’m scared that I’m gonna lose you, I’m scared that I’m out of control and the only person who knows is some random guy named Hiro who drives a blue car and has at least one tattoo and somehow knows Haruhi.

Please talk to me. I love you.

I don’t say that enough. Never did. Probably never will. But I hope like hell you know it.

Love,  
Hika


	6. 12 September 2015

Dear Kaoru,

You haven’t left your room in two days. You cancelled a meeting, and you go to work even when you’re feverish.

I called Dad. He’s worried, too. He said that he and Mom haven’t heard from you in months, but you told me that you’d called them last week. 

Did you lie to me?

I’m worried. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront you? If I’m wrong, you’d be royally pissed and me worrying about you relapsing could lead you to actually relapse. If I don’t confront you and I just keep my mouth shut like I did in college, will I lose you―for real this time?

I’m scared. Fuck, I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to you so badly but I’m scared that you’ll push me away or push your own problems aside because you want to help me and I just don’t know what to do.

I’m gonna go to Tokyo for three or four weeks. I’ll tell you in the morning, but I’m writing it here now so that I won’t back out at the last minute. Boss is already planning to drag me to some commoner’s pâtisserie he’s apparently in love with. I just don’t know where my head’s at right now, and you’re too empathetic. I don’t want my state of mind rubbing on yours.

Stay safe, little brother.

Love,  
Hika


	7. 17 September 2015

Dear Kaoru,

It’s weird being back in Japan. It’s been what, six months since we last visited? Longer? I dunno. Boss says hi, and so does Haruhi. I’m going to go see Honey-senpai tomorrow. Mori-senpai’s out of town. Apparently Satoshi’s competing in some big kendo tournament and Mori-senpai went to support him. 

Gran’s in town, which kinda sucks. She ignored me all day and then promptly smeared cake all over my face while I was asleep. Stupid old hag, always doing dumb stuff and saying that we’re the stupid ones.

I dunno what to say to you, really. Just thinking about you a lot.

Love,  
Hika


	8. 20 September 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I had dinner with Mom and Dad and Ageha today. It was so weird. Like, holy hell, Ageha’s 2 already. She’s still tiny. Still a little brat. She reminds me a lot of us, although I won’t say that to Mom. Dad probably thinks the same thing I do.

Mori-senpai’s back in town. I’ll give him a day to settle in before I go see him. Hopefully he can help me sort out the mess in my head. He usually can, but… this time I’m more of a mess than ever.

What about you? Are you alright? You’re not answering my texts. You didn’t lose your phone again, did you? Or are you just ignoring me?

Please, Kaoru. I need you.

Is it selfish of me to say that? Why is it that I always need you, always fall back on you, but you never rely on me? I’m your big brother―not the other way around. I’m supposed to be able to keep you safe and protect you and shit. Instead, I’m always the one coming crying to you because I don’t know what to do.

Well, no more! I’m gonna force Mori-senpai to help and… never really thank him for it because I’m a man, damnit.

I’m putting down the drinks before I get more than just a bit tipsy. Gonna go to bed.

Good night, Kaoru.

Love,  
Hika


	9. 27 September 2015

Dear Kaoru,

Mori-senpai stuck me in an empty room and told me to meditate, as always. He seems to think that this cures everything, and honestly, it does help. I talked a lot with Honey-senpai, too. The last week’s been pretty quiet, now that I think about it. I’ve just hung out with the senpais and gone to work.

What else do I have to tell you? Dad managed to sneak up on me five times today. Satoshi still has no taste buds. Boss and I are going to this pâtisserie of his tomorrow. Did you know that Boss and Haruhi broke up? Apparently they just… drifted. It’s kinda hard to believe; they were head over heels for each other last time we saw them. I guess life just got in the way. 

Once upon a time, a part of me would’ve been happy that they’d broken up. That jealous, bitter, stupid part of me would’ve been celebrating even as I got concerned and talked to Boss about what had happened. 

I didn’t feel any of that today. If anything, I was mad that Tamaki thought we were too busy with our own shit to tell us. 

Is this what growing up feels like? 

Did I finally give up on Haruhi after eight goddamn years?

Oh, yeah, one other thing. Hiro texted me last night. He was surprised that I hadn’t called him for a drunk driver and wanted to make sure that I hadn’t died of alcohol poisoning or something.

I’m not exaggerating. The quote is, word for word, ‘Did you die of alcohol poisoning or something’. 

The fact that he cared enough to ask made me happier than it should’ve. That seems really weird. I don’t mean it in a ‘oh how sweet he cares about me’ way but I guess it feels nice for someone to just want to know what’s up? It’s been so long since I’ve talked to anyone outside our little group, I’d forgotten what that was like.

Call me back, would you?

Love,  
Hika


	10. 13 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I’ve been back for a few days now and you still won’t talk to me. You nod when I say good morning, you only open your mouth if it’s about work, and you ignore me completely if I ask about anything besides work. Did I do something wrong? Did something happen that I didn’t think was important?

What’s going on with you? Just talk to me, Kaoru, please.

Love,  
Hika


	11. 14 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

We talked. We talked a lot, actually. For a few hours. You cried, and I cried, and we spent even more hours sitting and crying until you fell asleep. Our first sleepover in ages―how ironic.

Fuck, Kao, I’m so sorry. How was I so blind? How did I not see what was going on? I have all of the notes from your consultations, just as you have all of the notes from mine, how did I manage to miss this? How did I not see the signs? How did I not realize that I needed to have stepped in for you?

I’m so sorry, Kao. I was so wrapped up in a stupid high school crush that I couldn’t even see that you needed me, I couldn’t see that I should have stayed by you instead of running away.

I always run. I always turn and run because I’m scared, but it’s when I’m so terrified that I need to run that you need me most and I almost failed you again and I’m so so so sorry, Kaoru, I screwed up. 

What would I have done if this was like last time? What would I have done if I got back from Japan and you were on the floor again, only this time, I was too late? What if nobody could have gotten here?

Fuck, Kaoru, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you were so alone. I’m sorry that I ran. It’s sad, really―I want to tell you that I won’t be so blind again, but in order for me to fulfill that promise, there needs to be an again. And I’d rather leave you and run than let there be an again.

Sleep well, little brother. I have a lot to think about tonight, but I’ll come join you eventually.

Love,  
Hika


	12. 17 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I met that client today. The one you told me about. Not gonna lie, I almost punched her in her stupid face. She was so self-absorbed, she didn’t even look at me more than three times, and she actually called me Kaoru repeatedly. If she doesn’t shut up, I’m going to drop her and let security deal with her whining. She was all “oh, I don’t want to look fat, do you think I’ll look fat?” and “this looks like something you’d see from Koizumi”―um excuse me we can top those organza clouds any day, thank you very much―“I want HIGH fashion, mister Hitachiin,” and she legitimately slurred on our name and I think she was tipsy and oh my god, I want to strangle the bitch.

Were we like that once? So absorbed in ourselves, in our pride, that we actually said shit like this?

Don’t answer that. I already know that the answer is yes.

Well, at least we changed. Or you did, at least. I still don’t know if I’ve actually changed or if I’m just lying to myself and saying that I have.

Time to get back to work. I love you, little brother. If I go to jail for killing this little bitch, let’s auction off all of my old designs from high school, the really shitty but oddly okay ones, and use that to pay the bail. Or we could maybe pull a Chicago, make it look like I’m not completely in the wrong and get the jury to call me not-guilty by pure bullshit.

Love,  
Hika 

P.S. Yes, I know that I’m hopeless Broadway trash and love almost all musicals, but Chicago is a damn good show and you cannot convince me otherwise.


	13. 22 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

You gave me the stink eye when I got to work today, and I mean, you have every right to. I did miss a 10 a.m. meeting and I was hungover when I got to the office at 2 in the afternoon. And I didn’t come back to the townhouse last night. But before you start, mister know-it-all, I did not hook up with some random chick last night, I just got more sloshed than normal―yes, that’s actually possible―and when I woke up, there was a tiny child screaming at me.

Just gonna say right now that I had no idea where I was when I woke up. The sun was still rising, so it was like 6 or 6:30 or something, I dunno. The weirder part was the tiny child staring at me. Like, tiny-tiny. Older than Ageha, but still too small to be older than 6, if that makes sense. He was cute, I guess. Green eyes. Dirty blond hair. White skin. Light freckles. He was just staring at me, and I stared back because I wasn’t awake, my head was pounding and I wasn’t quite sure if I was about to puke or not, I mean, I went way too heavy on the tequila last night. 

But then the kid just screamed. He also threw a crayon at me. It probably hurt more because I was hungover and still am, but like, he threw a crayon at me. He was still screaming, by the way, and my head was pounding even more than it is now so I just kind of started screaming back. In my defense, he threw a crayon at me. So we’re just sitting there screaming at each other, I had no clue where I was, and a dude comes around the corner and whacks the kid―lightly whacks him, I swear, he was fine, no children were abused in this story―on the back of the head.

I’m just gonna say that Hiro’s hot without a shirt on. Fuck he’s hot and I don’t care how gay that sounds, I was staring openly. If he asks then I’ll just say it was the tattoos. Have I written about those before? I’d seen the chains on his hands, but apparently they’re a full sleeve that also covers his shoulder and stretches across his pecs and oh my god I should really stop, you’re staring at me right now and writing this to you while you give me a suspicious look from across the room is just wrong. You think I’m doing paperwork right now, so, well, this is awkward.

I should do that paperwork. I really don’t wanna be here forever, and I owe you some sort of excuse and dinner tonight. I can do that much right, at least.

Please stop giving me weird looks. I’ll work now, I promise.

Love,  
Hika


	14. 23 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

Back to storytime―and this time I’m caught up on work so I will definitely finish.

To recap: Hiro just showed up and whacked the kid on the back of the head to shut him up. I’m confused as fuck and I’m not quite sure that I haven’t been kidnapped or something. So I just sit there and stare at those gorgeous tattoos while the snot-nosed brat runs upstairs. Hiro doesn’t say anything, either, he just disappears upstairs. 

I stayed put, man. I didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t know if the brat would attack me again, and I was freaking out. You know what happens when I freak out, I put my foot in my mouth, and I actually kinda like Hiro. Well. I don’t hate him. I hate most of humanity. But I didn’t want to say something to piss Hiro off, and I was freaking out, so I sat still. I did look around for my stuff, though. My phone was there, and my wallet, and nothing was missing, so it’s not like I was robbed or anything.

Now that I think of it, if Haruhi knows this guy, he wasn’t gonna kill me or anything. She tends to be a bit straight-laced about those things, what with her being a big-shot lawyer and all. 

Anyway, when Hiro came back, the brat was with him, they were both dressed, and, most importantly, the brat was carrying a baby. A goddamn baby. Hiro took the little thing from the brat, who put on a coat and sat to put shoes on. Hiro was trying to do the same for himself and the baby at the same time, and I didn’t really know what to do, so I offered to take the baby since I know how to deal with those after babysitting for Ageha, and he just handed her over. Baby’s a girl. She was gurgly. Kinda cute, in that squishy fat baby way. I didn’t pay too much attention to her, honestly, I was keeping one eye on the brat and the other on Hiro. 

It’s weird. He trusted me super easily. He just handed me the baby and let me get shoes on her, and then he said that he had to get the kids to daycare and he had to go to work, but I could help myself to the food in the fridge and let myself out whenever. Later in the day, he texted me to say that I can come over for dinner next weekend if I want to talk about whatever led to this, so I guess I’ll do that.

I don’t know what to think. Nobody’s ever treated me like this, and I don’t know if I like it or hate it. Mori-senpai would tell me to meditate, so I’ll give it a shot, I guess. Wish me luck, little brother.

Love,  
Hika


	15. 25 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

Y’know, I’ve been thinking about everything that happened and I’ve realized that I’m even more of an asshole than we ever realized. Hiro’s picked me up off the street so many times now, at all hours of the night, and taken me home for no legitimate reason and he’s had kids this entire time?? And he’s probably got a wife who I haven’t met??

Like, what the fuck?? I don’t know anything about him besides his first name, he doesn’t really know anything about me―I think―and he’s still doing this. Does he owe Haruhi something? Does she have dirt on him? Maybe she had Kyouya-senpai dig up dirt on him. There’s no fucking way that he’s been dealing with my drunk ass out of the goodness of his heart. 

I don’t care how “good” a person you are, not even Mori-senpai would be willing to leave two kids at home to pick up some alcoholic he didn’t really know. And if I actually told you about this―actually told you, not just write the question in another letter that’ll get buried in my desk drawer under piles of sketches―I know what you’d say. What you’d do.

You’d roll your eyes at me; you’d give me that soft, gentle smile that you save for only our family and our closest friends. You’d poke my cheek, right where that stupid dimple is, and you’d tell me that some people are just… good people.

After everything that you’ve been through, you’re still able to see the good in people.

How?

Love,  
Hika


	16. 28 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I dropped that bitchy client, the one you’d handed off to me. Sucks to be her. Somehow I don’t think you’ll mind that much.

We’re having movie tonight for the first time in months. I’m going to dinner with Hiro tomorrow and I’m really stressed about it, but maybe this’ll take my mind off of it.

Love,  
Hika


	17. 29 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I’m going to Hiro’s for dinner tonight. You think I have a date, and I’m definitely not telling you otherwise, because I honestly don’t know how to explain this. Out loud, I mean. I don’t know how to actually tell you about Hiro and everything he’s done and what happened last week without having an eraser for when I change my mind about wording. 

Erasers are great. Is that why texting is so addicting? Because we can erase without all the eraser shavings?

Meditating didn’t help. It just made me think about things in a fucked-up, existentialist manner. 

Y’know, maybe Mori-senpai’s the trick to enlightenment, not meditation. He’s pretty chill. That may be it.

Anyway, I’ll keep you updated. I know that you’re not actually aware of what’s going on, but the naggy little voice in my head that sounds like you is being supportive, so I’ll say thanks anyway.

Love,  
Hika


	18. 30 October 2015

Dear Kaoru,

It’s the morning after dinner at Hiro’s. The food was good. It was kind of awkward at first, honestly, but I did learn a lot. 

The baby’s name is Aly. She seems to like me, she kept reaching for me, even when Hiro was holding her. I didn’t mind that much, really. Babies aren’t as bad as adults can be, even if they puke on you a lot more. To be fair, I’ve puked on you enough times that if I get puked on, it’s probably payback for that. 

The brat’s name is Quinn. He apologized for the crayon thing. I didn’t really want to apologize for screaming back, because I’m a stubborn little shit, but Hiro kicked me really fuckin’ hard. I think I’ve got a massive bruise on my calf. Apparently not apologizing to five year olds when they try to be nice is a dick thing to do. He still clearly doesn’t like me. He would scowl every time Aly grabbed at my face or my hair, which she did a lot. He almost cried when she fell asleep in my lap. It was kinda cute.

Hiro’s a high school teacher. English lit. He’s got books all over the house, and not for decoration, either. Some are obviously Quinn’s but there’s a ton of mysteries and fantasies and sci-fis and books of all kinds scattered all over the place. The most active he got all night was when he was talking about books, although Quinn started bragging about how jealous his friends are that his dad helps him with reading homework and the conversation turned to that. 

American schools are weird. Like, really weird.

Hiro told me after the kids went to bed that they’re not his biologically, but their mom was one of his closest friends and he took them in after she died a year ago. It explains a lot, actually―Hiro’s at least part Japanese and the kids are clearly not. Aly’s got blue eyes, and she doesn’t have much hair, but Quinn’s definitely blonde. They’re as white as you can get. Is that racist of me to say? I dunno. Don’t really care, either, since nobody’s gonna read this.

I asked how Haruhi knew him, too. They’re related on her mom’s side, so they didn’t talk much after Kotoko died, but they reconnected or whatever when we all came to Boston in high school. She complained about my drunk calls and he offered to give me a ride, and he has been ever since. 

He’s pretty low-key. Not like Mori-senpai, because he’s not as quiet, but he’s got that same air of comfort around him. Like, I was expecting tonight to be super awkward, but it was actually kinda fun. Different from what I was used to. I didn’t have to wear the mask, if you know what I mean. I didn’t have to think about my reputation, or sucking up to people to win clients, or wonder how many people were whispering about us behind my back. 

Honestly? I’d go back another night if I could. Talking with no strings, no baggage like the two of us have, it was liberating. If that’s the right word for it. Does anything I said make sense?

Love,  
Hika


	19. 4 November 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to update on saturday lmao whoops

Dear Kaoru,

You asked me today if I was dating anyone. I have been suspicious, I guess, since I haven’t been talking as much and I’ve been texting Hiro a bunch and he’s funny so I keep smiling at my phone, only I think that I look the way Boss always did when Haruhi texted him.

Oh my god, I’m turning into Tamaki Suoh. Ew. My worst nightmares are coming true.

Well, anyway, I didn’t answer and asked if you were seeing anyone, because you’ve been gone all the time, and you didn’t answer me either. You just huffed and walked away.

I’m worried. So I texted Haruhi like the responsible and mature adult I am. Maybe she can get you to spill.

I’ve thought a lot about Haruhi, lately. It’s weird―I’ve done more deep thinking these last two weeks then I’d thought I was capable of doing outside of Mori-senpai’s house. But I think I’m finally over Haruhi.

I’ve spent so long wondering why she chose Boss over me, why I was so unable to let go of that fact, why I’ve held a grudge against two of my best friends for falling in love. I spent months―years―considering myself the shittiest friend in the world for resenting them for being happy. I beat the shit out of myself for it, which meant that, as always, I went running to Mori-senpai for help. I’m so unpredictable.

Here’s what I’ve realized: I don’t think I was ever in love with Haruhi, not really. Yeah, I thought she was cute, but I was more taken by the fact that she was so free. She knew who she was and she wasn’t scared of being herself. She wasn’t unhealthily introverted like us, but she wasn’t super extroverted like Boss or Honey-senpai, either, and I was fascinated by that. I hadn’t even realized that I could be happy without being so entwined with you. She helped me see that, but not because I “fell in love” or some bullshit. I was an ass to her, and she smacked sense into me. 

I admired her a lot back then. I still do. I owe her a lot, too, for all that she has done for us. For me. For you.

Maybe she can help us again now, the way she did back in high school.

Love,  
Hika


	20. 6 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I’ve spent the last few hours sitting in bed and crying, like the mature adult I am, and alcohol is not to blame. For once. You always say that I cry when I’m drunk, and maybe you’re right, but not this time.

I’m scared. I’m scared, little brother, I’m so scared. You never talk to me anymore and when you do, you lie, you’re not sleeping, you’re not eating, you seem dehydrated, and according to Honey-senpai―who told Mori-senpai who told me―you’ve stopped seeing your therapist.

Fuck. Fuck it, Kaoru, please don’t shut me out again. I don’t know what I can say to you, what I can do, to show you that I’m here for you. That I love you. Unconditionally so. You’re my baby brother, Kao, I don’t want to lose you. I came too close once before. Watching you self-destruct like this is killing me, I’m so terrified that I’ll make the wrong move and push you over the edge, and I just **hate this**

I don’t know what I’d do without you. For all that we’ve grown apart, become our own people, I don’t know if I can live without you. You’re my brother, you’re my best friend, hell, you’re my entire world, Kaoru. 

Please, Kaoru, just let me in.

Love,  
Hika


	21. 7 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I wound up crashing your room in the middle of the night. You didn’t say anything when I came in, but I know that you were awake. I know that you were crying. That’s more of why I walked in than the other reasons―I was standing outside your door, debating whether or not we’re too old for sleepovers, when I heard you sniffling. Was it a bad dream? Or something else?

You told me yesterday that you’re taking a two-week vacation with Honey-senpai over Christmas and New Years. Honestly, I’m glad. Not that I’m glad you’re not going to be here, but Honey-senpai’s always been the best medicine for you. Better than the doctors and the sera-whatsits and nora-whatevers that they prescribe. 

Do you remember when we went skiing for our class trip in our second year and I got caught in that huge snowstorm with the class rep? I had this dream last night that I was in the snowstorm again, but instead of finding Mori-senpai and the rescue team, I just wandered aimlessly. I couldn’t see, I could barely feel my feet, and my face was numb, just like then, but instead of the class rep on my back, I felt like I was carrying the entire world. 

Is that what you feel like? Lost, trying to find help, and being buried alive by a weight that you know isn’t real but feels so overpowering?

Love,  
Hika


	22. 10 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I realized today that I still remember how to say bra in French. Un soutien-gorge, or un soutif if you’re speaking casually. Normally, the only French I use is basic conversational, since you’re better at it and you’re better at dealing with spoiled clients in general, so it’s really weird that this is the word I remember. You’d probably laugh and call me a sex-fiend if I told you this, so I’m NOT going to, you jerkface.

You’ve been busy planning your vacation with Honey-senpai all week. I’m glad, honestly; you look more excited than you have in a while. 

Have fun, little brother.

Love,  
Hikaru


	23. 15 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I was reviewing our schedules for the next week and I saw that you agreed to two photoshoots. I was surprised, honestly. You haven’t taken many since college, despite all of the lines constantly coming after you to model for them. When you first stopped taking them, Dad says that it was probably because it would look weird if you modeled for other lines since we’ve all but taken over the Hitachiin line, but I don’t think that’s true. After all, three months after you quit, I was calling an ambulance to our townhouse.

Personally, I don’t get modeling. I prefer to be on the other side of the camera. I like to make art. I like to design, or draw, or make floral arrangements that even Gran might sometimes call “not hideous.” You’ve always had a fascination with becoming art, more than me. Your daily appearance, the modeling, all of it. Sometimes it was unhealthy. I remember the fanatical diets, the sleepless nights, the obsessions followed by weeks of not caring and despondency. I was glad when those times ended, I really was. I was so, so scared, Kaoru. I barely knew who you were back then. The selfish and bitter part of me still wishes that I never found out.

I’m worried about the shoots. I’ll admit it. I don’t want to see you in that place again, and knowing that you just stopped seeing your therapist makes me scared.

If you start falling into the cycle again, I’ll cancel any shoots you agree to. I don’t care if it’s bad for business. You’re more important to me than our reputation.

Love,  
Hika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to update on Saturdays so i'm going to start updating on Sundays instead. Wednesday updates will continue unchanged.


	24. 16 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

Why is it that first degree burns are nowhere near as bad as third degree burns, but third degree murder isn’t as bad as first degree murder?

I’m having a crisis over this. English doesn’t make sense, and it never has. Maybe I should ask Hiro, since he’s an English teacher. Yeah. That sounds smart. I’ll do that.

Love,  
Hika


	25. 19 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

The hosts are all pouring into New York City. Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai are already there, we’re leaving in a few hours, Boss will be there tomorrow, and Haruhi in two days. I think Kuze-senpai and Mitsuyama-senpai are going to be there, too. They all think that Kyouya-senpai doesn’t know that they’re all trying to throw him a surprise party, but I’m pretty sure that you’re the only one who doesn’t know. 

I’m designing a dress for Haruhi for the party. I think she’ll like it, although I’m definitely going to sneak in a joke about her lack of cleavage when I give her the finished gown. I hope she likes it. She’s always been tough to please, tougher than Kyouya-senpai. He’s more predictable―if you made it, he will probably like it. I’ve never figured out how he can tell our work apart, but I guess he can, since he never likes any of my designs and will always either praise yours or say “it’s nice but not to my taste,” even though if you show him a design I made and say it was yours, he claims to not like it. 

Maybe he loves you. Not maybe. He does. He’s totally in love with you, Kaoru, and again, you’re literally the only person who doesn’t know. Even his nasty-ass brother, Akito, knows. You always thought that Akito didn’t like you, right? That’s why. Kyouya-senpai is so obviously head over heels for you, he’s in love-love with you, you dummy.

Where did that phrase come from? In love-love? It feels familiar. Did Mom say it once?

Love,  
Hika


	26. 22 November 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lol there is zero reason I haven't posted in so long whoops
> 
> shit gets interesting soon I promise

Dear Kaoru,

We’re almost set up for the party. You’ve been on distract-Kyouya-senpai duty, and I’m really surprised that you haven’t complained about getting the job. Normally you would, since you seem to think that you’re really bad at keeping secrets, even though you’re really freaking good at it. That’s why you’re on distract-Kyouya-senpai duty, not Boss. You won’t let anything slip. 

Not that you let anything slip, really, which is why I’m always sitting here and writing letters to myself while I try to figure out what it is you’re hiding from me now. Maybe you’ll open up to Kyouya-senpai, or to Honey-senpai, or to somebody.

I just hope that you do soon. 

Blah, blah, I’m worried about you, I know, I sound like a broken record. But I’m worried. We’re all focusing on Kyouya-senpai’s birthday, so we haven’t talked much lately, but you’re being weird again.

I shouldn’t even say again, since you’ve been weird for weeks, and I know that you’re really not being weird, you’re acting like you’re not taking your meds, and I’m worried that you’ve stopped or that they’re not working well and fucking hell, Kaoru, I’m so fucking terrified. 

I know I’m being stupid. I know I should call the doctor and Dad and Mom and maybe even Gran, since you listen to her more than you listen to us, but I’m scared to admit that you might not be okay. Again. That I might’ve failed you. Again. 

Maybe Kyouya-senpai will be able to shake something out of you. Or maybe your vacation with Honey-senpai will. But if you’re acting like you did in college when you get back from vacation, I’m calling in the reserve forces. 

And no, that’s not our lovely grandmother. It’s her husband, the devil in disguise that he is. 

Love,  
Hika


	27. 23 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

I’m forcing myself to write this as a proper letter, and not as the fucked-up mess of emotions that is my head right now. It’s a hard battle, and I might lose it still. We’ll see.

The party went great. Kyouya-senpai pretended to be surprised, Boss was placated, and Haruhi looked wonderful, thanks to yours truly, Honey-senpai’s fiancée managed to not be super creepy, Mori-senpai made a wonderful, record-breaking forty-six second speech over the first round of champagne, and it was great. You were laughing, you seemed to be having fun. So I relaxed. I stopped hovering over you and went to talk with Boss, and when I turned back around, you were gone.

** And so was Kyouya-senpai. **

**I can’t believe you slept with him. I’d ask what the fuck you were thinking, but I know that you weren’t thinking, that you always hook up with somebody when you feel shitty, and Kyouya-senpai was just there, but that makes it worse beca**

I broke my pencil. Fuck. That’s how freaked out I am. I’m not freaked out about you sleeping around, because quite frankly, I’m just glad that you’re following at least one of your usual patterns, and I trust you to use condoms and shit, but fuck I feel bad. Like, poor Kyouya-senpai. He actually cares about you, even if you’re blind to it―and he might be as well, I dunno how dense he is―but I feel like we’ve both just abused that fact. Not really your fault, you’re off your meds but maybe that means that this is your fault for being off your meds, but I’m the one who asked you to spend all day with him. I’m the one who pushed you two together, and I’m the one who didn’t stop to think that if you were drinking then you **hadn’t taken your meds and holy shit, Kaoru, I think I just abused Kyouya-senpai. Is this rape? I think this is rape, I mean, I guess it was technically consensual, you’re not into it otherwise, but like I think I forced you two together? Does that count as sexual assau**

I broke my pencil again. 

I’m not mad. Don’t get me wrong, I know that for you, sleeping with the first willing person when you’re seriously down is kinda normal. But you’re definitely off your meds and you’re not seeing your therapist and you’re so clearly spiraling, Kao, and I don’t care what I said yesterday, I’m calling in the old man.

Love,  
Hika


	28. 23 November 2015 (Again)

Dear Kaoru,

I called Grandfather. He’s going to be in town tomorrow and he’s definitely going to murder me for not calling him until now, but I don’t really care because he’s going to be here and he’s an adult and I’m **not** , or at least, I’m not a capable one.

Love,  
Hika


	29. 24 November 2015

Dear Kaoru,

Good news: Grandfather’s not murdering me, he’s just sending me out of town for the weekend while he talks with you, which is kinda scarier because he’s sending me off with Gran.

Bad news: you’re in a bad mood already and you’re going to rip me to shreds when I get back.

Other bad news: I’m stuck with Gran for a weekend.

Worth it.

Love,  
Hika


End file.
